Each day comes
With thoughts and news
Little things
To bring to you
Like gathering flowers
Picked as I go
I gathered them up
Waiting to show you
Funny or sad
Mundane or rare
Our daily existence
Always shared
Hearts intertwined
An unparalleled linked
Your fabric is mine
What I feel and think
A part of each other
Mother and child
Deepest connection
Melded for life
Agony now
Torn and raw
But enemy death
You are horribly wrong
This sacred love
It cannot die
It lives despite you
Separation’s a lie
Eternally bonded
My mother and me
Soon back together
You wait and see
I’ll be there with her
In paradise, home
Life everlasting
I’ll know and be known
Closer than ever
Death just a door
Into a new realm
More than before
Nearness unshackled
By sin and shame
Two souls communing
My loss is my gain
Only a breath
Between here and there
Until then collecting
Flowers to share
I’m gathering up, Mom
What I know you would like
How my family’s doing
What I’ve done with my life
You told me to write
To enjoy each new day
Good things are coming
You always would say
Grandchildren will bless you
Retirement, too
You and Daryl will prosper
You’ll see it’s true
Mama, I’ll cherish
Your words and your heart
Our special connection
Will carry me far
You’re now there waiting
To share with me
Your daily existence
In a land that is free
Unfettered devotion
Unexplainable love
You long to tell me
What it’s like up above
How Jesus has loved you
Just like I said
How every heartache
Every pain, every dread
Was gone in an instant
When you saw His face
Entering heaven
A miraculous place
I’ll be there shortly
My mother, dear friend
We’ll be together
Sharing life once again
June 20, 2021
Tag: children
If I Could Have a Stepmom Do-Over
What was I thinking?! Just before my twenty-seventh birthday, I married a man with two kids who were fourteen and eleven at the time. I had no clue what I was getting myself into.
But I guess that’s the same with anything, isn’t it? You don’t know what’s in the package until you open it.
Sadly, their mom had died. They needed me. The wonderful man God brought my way had been struggling to work a full-time job while trying to be both mom and dad to his kids.
It’s a common scenario.
I was sure that this marriage was God’s will. I wanted to help with all my heart. So, I did.
The next five years were difficult, frustrating and disappointing.
My good-intentioned aspiration to fill a gaping hole in their family with love, security, normalcy and support fell flat.
I had longed to make a home where these two children could heal from the devastating loss of their mother.
It never worked. They snubbed my affection. They rejected my input and railed against how I wanted our home to be.
They were angry at their father for diverting attention to me. They were uncooperative and secretive.
I became resentful and frustrated when they rejected me and my efforts.
Within five years, both of the kids had moved out.
The older went out on his own the minute he turned eighteen. The younger moved to her grandparents at sixteen when we couldn’t manage her anymore.
I felt defeated, frustrated, and helpless.
In retrospect, I see what I did wrong that added to the trouble in our relationship. If I knew then what I know now, I would have done things differently.
Four Things I Would Do Differently
1. Avoid a lot of changes
Personal habits
Both my stepkids’ bedrooms looked like a bomb had hit and everything they owned landed on the floor. Clothes, toys, books, you name it. It was literally a foot deep all over the rooms!
The obviously didn’t know how to keep a clean room, so I was going to help them.
Trying to make them keep their rooms clean was frustrating for all of us and not at all worth it. They didn’t want to change.
I should have just shut the door so I couldn’t see it and saved a lot of aggravation.
Environment
We moved to a new home in a new town with new schools when we got married. It was to reduce my husband’s hour-long commute and to start fresh like many newlyweds do.
Looking back, it would have been better to stay put to minimize the disruption. They had lost their mom.
Uprooting them from home and school contributed to their loss and grief and possibly added to their difficult behavior.
Let the kids keep the same surroundings, schools and friends, if you can. They need continuity to feel safe.
Favorite Foods
My stepkids were used to eating a lot of frozen food, like frozen fried chicken, which I had never seen!
I came from a home with a mom who was a wonderful, Italian cook. So, of course, I wanted to serve them delicious, homemade, healthy foods and that’s what I did.
Never again did would they have frozen fried chicken.
Several years ago, my stepson’s wife told me that he won’t go near chicken and rice or bananas since he had so much of them as a teenager.
That kind of hurt but it also struck me as odd. I didn’t serve chicken and rice that much…and what is wrong with bananas?!
I think his aversion to those foods are more about his aversion to me and the changes I made as a young stepmom coming into his teenage life, than about the food.
If I had it to do over again, I would have continued to serve them what they were used to on occasion, even the dreaded, frozen fried chicken!
Letting them have some of their old favorites would have contributed to their sense of security and normalcy and it wouldn’t have hurt them to eat junk once in a while.
Time with Dad
I remember my husband taking the kids out for “dad time”, but it wasn’t very regular.
In his view, he had spent a lot of time with them after their mom died, and it was time for him to build his relationship with his new wife. We were newlyweds, after all!
I was all for him spending special alone time with them, but after a while, when they rejected me, I stopped trying so hard to encourage it.
I would do things differently now.
Keeping a strong relationship between dad and kids is vital, even if it means you get less time together as a couple.
If they have a good connection with their dad and feel he is giving them some attention, they won’t resent you as much.
2. Don’t take on too much responsibility for their world
I defaulted to the 50/50 parenting partnership model when I got married. It should have been more like 75% on him and 25% on me with my stepkids.
My husband wanted things to be better and he loved my ideas and wanted them implemented. So, that’s what happened! I took on the renovation of the family.
I was all about keeping things clean, so they had their chores. I wanted them to be healthy, so I cut out the junk food. I wanted them to be respectful, so their disrespect never got a pass.
But it would have made for a happier and more peaceful transition if they continued in the way they were running their lives, at least for a while. Even though some things made me cringe!
Why? It would have been less disruptive for the kids and I would have avoided some of the confusion and hurt I felt when they rejected my efforts.
No matter how much you want to help, take a back seat for a while. You’ll be better off.
3. Let their dad handle most issues
Even though you are now an authority figure in your stepchildren’s lives, don’t advertise it!
I worked part time when we got married, so I was the parent who was home the most. Therefore, I engaged more with the kids on a daily basis than their dad did.
I tried to handle the school issues, completion of homework and chores, and anything else that came up.
Being on the front lines made me the bad guy a lot. I got loud push-back from one of the kids and quiet, seething resentment from the other.
I could have used the 1950’s cliche, “Wait until your father gets home!” Not as a threat, but to save myself from having to manage everything that adolescents have on their plate.
Plus, I would have dodged the rejection that they threw back.
Let dad be the enforcer, they already love him and have a depth of relationship clout that you don’t.
4. Don’t expect them to love, respect or appreciate you
I assumed that if I put my heart and soul into being a wonderful stepmom, I will be loved, respected and appreciated in return. How could they not love me?!
When my stepkids were grown and with kids of their own, I had heart-to-heart talks with each of them about those turbulent first years.
I apologized for the things I did wrong and it seemed like it was all good after that. I hoped that since we talked it out we could be closer going forward.
I pictured texting, phone calls, involvement in their lives.
But that was not to be. They’re just not interested in being close and you know what? That’s okay.
I hope your stepkids love you and appreciate your crazy, hard work trying to be a positive influence in their lives.
But they might not and, sadly, that’s not something you can change very easily, or at all. Especially if you make mistakes like I did.
We do our best with what we have at the moment. When we know better, we do better.
I’m confident that God knows our intentions and still counts our good efforts. The results are up to him!
Hindsight
Hindsight is 20/20! I was a young woman with the best intentions, and I gave step-parenting my best shot. It didn’t turn out the way I planned, and even though it was disappointing, I’m okay with it now. I learned a lot about kids and life through that experience.
Remember:
- Relationships are more important than performance.
- If you build the relationship, the respect and love will come and then they are more likely to cooperate with you when you instruct them.
- It’s okay to relax your high standards and just enjoy the journey.
- Every attempt to love, care for, nurture, guide and support your stepkids still counts. No matter the outcome.
Thanks for visiting my blog! Please share and comment. I’d love to hear from other stepparents about your trials and triumphs.
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4 Things Great Moms Do – Lessons from the Life of Mary
My second child was due on Christmas Eve. It made me feel kind of like Mary, the mother of Jesus.
Knowing how big and uncomfortable I would be during the whole month of December, I had all my Christmas shopping done by Thanksgiving (the first and only time that ever happened!).
After that was out of the way, I had time to ponder what it must have been like for that young girl two thousand years ago. Mary was expecting a child when she wasn’t married.
Scandalous. Miraculous.
Gabriel the archangel announced the coming of her baby, Jesus, and said that Mary was highly favored, blessed, chosen. Different from all the rest.
We only hear a few things about Mary’s life after Jesus was born. But they are enough to give us a glimpse into what kind of mother she became. The unique girl that God chose to be the mother of the Messiah must have some things to teach us about motherhood.
Here are four things that Mary did, and that we can do, to be great moms.
4 Things Great Moms Do
1. Provide a comforting presence in tough times
Your undivided, caring attention is what your children need most when times are tough for them. Put down the phone, stop everything, look into their eyes, give a hug. They need you really present with them, not just in the room.
We know Mary was a comforting presence at the cross when Jesus was dying (John 19:26).
A scene from the movie The Passion of the Christ shows us a couple of things that might also have taken place in Mary’s life as a mom.
In this scene, we watch Jesus carrying the cross down the narrow street in Jerusalem. He was struggling, in agony. Soldiers were trying to move him along with whips and the jeering crowd was yelling insults.
Jesus’ friends had abandoned him, except for a few that looked on sheepishly from a distance. Mary, grief-stricken, stood nearby trying not to watch her son drag himself to an early death.
As he’s straining to take each step, Jesus stumbles under the burden of the heavy cross. In that moment, we see a flashback from Mary’s perspective.
In the memory, Jesus is about two years old. He’s running along a dusty street in Nazareth and suddenly, he stumbles and falls.
A young mother at the time, Mary hurries to his side, like most mothers would. She lifts the crying toddler into her arms and rocks him reassuringly, saying, “I’m here”.
Now it’s Good Friday. Mary watches her grown son stagger and fall to the ground. His body is beaten and battered. He’s exhausted and weak.
Pushing through the chaos of the crowd, Mary rushes to his side, just as she did so many times when he was small. She crouches down next to him to comfort him. Once again, she whispers, “I’m here”.
I could relate to the profound distress Mary would have been feeling. I cried my eyes out the first time I watched that part of the movie! It’s what every loving mother feels when her children are enduring pain.
Even knowing ahead of time that being a mom means experiencing your child’s pain as they do, doesn’t diminish it. Mary was once told clearly and directly that she would suffer along with Jesus.
When she and Joseph took Jesus to the temple to be circumcised at eight days old, a prophet, Simeon had said to her,
“Behold, this Child is appointed for the fall and rise of many in Israel, and for a sign to be opposed – and a sword will pierce even your own soul – to the end that thoughts from many may be revealed”. (Luke 2: 34-35 NASB)
Our first instinct when our children are hurting is to make it all better. However, sometimes we can’t prevent their difficulties, nor should we.
We feel helpless, but it’s through difficulties that our children learn endurance, patience, independence, problem-solving and other valuable character traits that will prepare them for future challenges.
Most importantly, in hard seasons, our kids have the opportunity to trust God for themselves.
Even Jesus, the perfect Son of God, learned obedience through the things that he suffered. (Hebrews 5:8)
Mary wasn’t supposed to prevent her son’s suffering and death on the cross, but she was there with her comforting presence. Maybe even whispering a quiet, “I’m here”. (John 19:25)
Your children need your warm, comforting presence more than anything when they are struggling and challenged.
2. Hope in God, not in outcomes
Optimism is the expectation of positive life circumstances. For instance, an optimistic person expects to avoid things like life-threatening diseases, serious accidents, etc.
None of us wants to suffer and we especially don’t want our children to suffer. However, life is difficult and bad things happen. That’s why we need hope, not just optimism.
Hope is trust in the fact that the love of God holds fast regardless of our tough situations.
God rules the world with benevolence and is watching carefully to work all things together for the good of those who love him and are his. (Romans 8:28)
If we are simply optimistic, challenges can derail us. If we’re truly hopeful in God’s care and concern no matter the situation, nothing can.
Mary was a hopeful, young girl and trusted God when she heard the fantastic messages about Jesus’ future. Gabriel said,
“He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High; and the Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David; and He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and His kingdom will have no end.” (Luke 1:32-33 NASB)
Did Mary expect that Jesus would reign on a physical throne in Jerusalem? Most of his followers did. What a disappointment for those whose optimistic expectations weren’t met.
From what we can tell, Mary, was not angry at God or let down when Jesus didn’t reign on a physical throne in Jerusalem.
From the very beginning, we read that she trusted God for even the most unbelievable thing – that a virgin could bear a child.
It’s evident that she trusted God for the rest of the story as well, even when things seemed bleak. After Jesus died, he rose again and is reigning on a heavenly throne. Her hope in God’s word and his love was rewarded.
We naturally have positive expectations for great futures for our kids – and we should. However, life doesn’t go the way we desire, how will we respond?
If we hope in God’s love and his good plan, we have a rock-solid foundation. Despite any of the challenges that we and our children will face in life – sickness, accidents, relationship trouble – this foundation will never crumble.
3. Listen and learn
Several years ago, when I was going through a particularly tough time, one of my sons sent me a song called, “Believe Me Now” by Steven Curtis Chapman.
It’s a song that reminds us that we can believe God’s promises no matter what. It was exactly the reminder I needed at that moment. It touched my heart deeply and changed my perspective from fear to faith.
Jesus was Mary’s son, but also her Teacher.
Once when Jesus was teaching a large crowd, someone told him that his mother and brothers were outside trying to get in. Instead of bringing them front and center, Jesus said,
“My mother and brothers are these who hear the word of God and do it.” (Luke 8:19-21)
In our culture that sounds harsh but was it? Maybe Mary had begun to understand that Jesus was born for a mission that was far beyond her family.
He was her savior as well as her son. The Bible tells us that she was a believer in Jesus as Messiah with the rest of the disciples. (Acts 1:14)
Even small children can say and do things that teach us important lessons. If we’ll humble ourselves and listen, God can use them to give us encouragement, insight and comfort.
Our children might even grow up to be people who change the world with their unique gifting and calling. We can be the first in line to benefit from all they will offer.
4. Let go a little at a time
The moment your child is born you have to start letting go.
It’s not that obvious during the first few years since our kids are so dependent on us. But once they start to venture out into the world, even if it’s only to preschool, we face a challenge.
We have to trust that they will be all right in the care of others. We have to trust that we have given them the tools to navigate on their own.
One day they are learning how to tie their own shoes. Blink and you’re giving them the car keys. Blink again and they’re moving out!
Each step is a challenge for them and for us.
When the angel Gabriel came to Mary with the baby announcement, she knew Jesus would be like no other child ever conceived. However, she still had to learn day by day that his calling and mission superseded his role as her son.
When Jesus was twelve, he stayed behind by himself in the temple at Jerusalem after the feast. His parents frantically searched for days for him after they realized he was missing from the traveling caravan.
When they found him, he was surprised that they didn’t know where he would be. He had to be in his Father’s house. (Luke 2:41-50) He was on a mission from God.
Mary had to let go.
About ten years later, Jesus told the listening crown that whoever hears his words and does them are his family, not just those he grew up with. (Luke 8:19-21)
Mary had to let go.
On that dark Good Friday, Mary’s first-born was fulfilling the purpose for his life which was announced by Gabriel decades before.
He was dragging his cross up to a lonely hill. He was dying, just as he planned.
Mary had to let go.
Our children are gifts from God, but they don’t really belong to us. They belong to God and he has a reason for their lives above and beyond the blessing they bring to our families.
They have a mission from God.
Mary Mindset
Mary was the most important mother who ever walked the face of the earth. Yet, in many ways, she was a mother just like us. She felt the same love, joy, fears, concerns and helplessness that we all do.
Mary learned to mother well. She’s a strong, loving, faithful example that we can look to for guidance on our own journey of motherhood.
The famous Serenity Prayer fits this “Mary mindset” perfectly.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as he did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that he will make all things rightif I surrender to his will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with him
forever in the next.-Reinhold Niebuhr
I would love to hear the lessons you’ve learned as a mother. Please comment below.
If this post has been helpful, please share!
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Hope for Unhappy Stay at Home Moms
You have the greatest job on earth and you know it.
Most days.
Other days, you’d rather just stay in bed and pull the covers over your head, screaming silently (or aloud!), “Leave me alone!!”
But, of course, you don’t stay in bed. Precious little ones are putting their adorable faces right up to yours and saying, “Mommy, I’m hungry” or your infant is crying.
Commitment and instinct rule the day and you drag yourself into the bathroom to start the all-too-familiar routine over again.
You brush your teeth, throw your hair into a pony tail, wash your face, don some jeans and a t-shirt and wonder when you’ll be able to fit in time for a shower. Taking a long, hot shower has become the extent of luxury in your life.
Before you know it, you’ve put in your first load of laundry, fixed a quick breakfast for the kids and now you’re sweeping Cheerios off the floor.
That’s how you begin another exhausting day of meals, cleaning, wiping rear ends and noses.
There is also another battle going on. The one that can’t be seen.
I chose this life.
I know it’s best.
I love my kids.
But…
I’m bored and frustrated.
I feel undervalued and unappreciated.
I feel guilty for taking it out on my kids.
How dare I be down when I’m so blessed?
I don’t want to give up.
I can’t give up.
But how can I continue when I’m so unhappy?
Our Challenge
Some days are easier than others. There are plenty of days when our hearts are full, and all is well. But even then, there can linger an underlying sense that we are missing out on something that a job outside the home would give us.
Many stay-at-home moms feel undervalued and unappreciated by society and maybe even by their family and friends.
Those who had a high-paying, prestigious job before deciding to stay home might miss the daily, positive feedback they received. There are no paychecks, glowing annual reviews, raises or Christmas bonuses for a stay-at-home mom.
For others, the unknown can be just as trying. “What if I had a career instead of this. Maybe I need to get out there and make something more of myself.”
There’s little positive feedback. That’s why leaving the home can be so tempting.
The Hidden Issue
I don’t think our choice of vocation or the lack of positive feedback is the real problem. Even moms that our culture applauds for succeeding as “go-out-and-work” moms can feel inadequate, and many do!
The cause of our discontent is not found in what we’re doing.
It’s found in what we think about ourselves while we’re doing it.
Long before we have children and decide to care for them full time at home, we can have an underlying feeling of not being good enough.
This year I’ve been looking at my childhood as I’m working through some negative self-perceptions that I’ve carried around all my life.
My dad was a fun-loving Irishman with a great sense of humor and he loved his family. However, I’m seeing now that he lacked the good communication and parenting skills that would have made me feel valued and important.
When I was four years old, my dad decided that I would no longer go with my mom when she went shopping. He thought I was getting spoiled.
My mom has a memory of me standing on our porch, crying as she drove away. It must have been hard for her, too. But she didn’t argue with my dad. I remember feeling scared, confused and alone.
If my dad had taken me inside and played a game or read a book with me, it might have lessened the sting of rejection. But he was not that type of dad.
So, I was left standing there on the porch believing I’m spoiled (I’m sure I had no idea what that meant), something is wrong with me and whatever was going on, it was all my fault.
Circumstances like this root deep into the minds of children who naturally lack the maturity to process them in a way that prevents those negative perceptions of themselves. They hear:
“I’m bad.”
“Something is wrong with me.”
“I have to be better so that dad will be happy with me.”
Those are the messages that we take with us as we grow up. We keep trying to prove our worth by performing to win approval. We hope it will make us feel better about ourselves.
We finally realize after wearing ourselves out, that no matter how well we perform, it doesn’t seem to take away the sense that we don’t quite cut it.
The Healing
I recently read a book called The Soul of Shame by Curt Thompson, M.D. It’s full of insight into the areas of the brain, shame, unworthiness and how to heal.
Dr. Thompson explains how our brains are literally wired when we are children in response to the way we are treated. If we’re not validated by the people closest to us, even before we were born, we internalize shame and lack of self-worth.
The great news is that our brains can be rewired by replacing the negative thinking with the positive. It’s simple, but not necessarily easy and won’t happen overnight. However, it’s worth it!
One of the reasons that I love children is because they are naturally unashamed, full of love and free. I want to be that way, don’t you?
There’s hope! We can restore that childlikeness that makes every day an adventure and turns work into play. It’s never too late.
First, start by replacing the destructive recordings in our mind with these truths:
- I am specially created by God.
- I am and always have been worthy of love and appreciation just for being me.
- I am and have always been more than enough.
- I am a gift to the world.
Next, consider finding a qualified pastor or therapist to help you work through some of the shame and hurt in your life. It can hide just about anywhere and uncovering it can be the start of a life-changing healing process.
Third, consider getting these books to help you on your journey. They helped me and I know they could help you, too.
The Soul of Shame, Curt Thompson, M.D. Rewrite the story of your life and embrace healing and wholeness as you discover and defeat shame’s insidious agenda.
The Anatomy of the Soul, Curt Thompson, M.D. An amazing journey to discover the surprising pathways for transformation hidden inside your own mind.
Shame Interrupted, Edward T. Welch, PhD. Look at Jesus through the lens of shame and see how the marginalized and worthless are his favorites and become his people. God cares for the shamed. Through Jesus you are covered, adopted, cleansed, and healed.
Healing the Child Within, Charles L. Whitfield, M.D. Healing the Child Within describes how the inner child is lost to trauma and loss, and how by recovering it, we can heal the fear, confusion and unhappiness of adult life.
A Gift to Myself: A Personal Workbook and Guide to Healing the Child Within, Charles L. Whitfield, M.D. Using numerous experiential exercises that the reader can do at their own pace, physician and author Charles Whitfield takes us on a healing journey into our inner and outer life.
Stay-at-home mom, you truly are doing the most important, valuable, impactful vocation there is on earth, no matter what anyone else says.
I wish you well on your journey, dear one, and I’m rooting for you!
Feel free to contact me directly by clicking the Contact tab or leave a comment below. I’d love to hear your stories.
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A Settled Heart 