Tag: Hope

Darkness, Our Friend

~ Marie Blair ~ Leave a comment

In 2004 I walked through what some people might call a dark night of the soul.

Our family of four returned to California from crushing disappointment in Michigan after a failed business attempt. I struggled to understand.

Was it a mistake? We were sure that God sent us there to embark on new adventure for our family and with Christian friends.

A song by Jeremy Camp came out around that time. The chorus was,

 

I still believe in your holiness. I still believe in your truth. I still believe in your holy Word. Even when don’t see. I still believe.

 

I remember cry-singing these words to God as I lay face down on the cold tile floor in my bathroom. I spoke the words, but my heart felt like the tile under face where my tears gathered.

That failure and discouragement shook my lifelong paradigm that A + B = C. We follow God’s leading he is supposed to prosper us. If we obey, he blesses. That is what the Bible says, isn’t it?

When we returned to the safety of our home state of California, I could not wait to escape that cold, dark place my soul had become. I clamored for the security that is found in the light.

I ran to the safety of what one of my favorite authors, Barbara Brown Taylor calls “solar Christianity”. It is the relentless effort to brighten every dark and scary part of our existence, not permitting any dank corner of doubt or confusion to remain.

The church we ended up in had clearly designated lines of demarcation between light and dark. We implemented formulas that we were told were based on biblical truth. Do “this” and “that” will happen. Believe and speak the truth and all will be well. Tell the devil to flee and he will.

It was just what I craved in those murky days. But in hindsight, I’m not sure it was what I really needed.

When Darkness Remains

Doesn’t biblical truth include not knowing why things happen the way they do? Is there room for confusion and doubt to linger in our hearts instead of rushing them out the door? Does darkness have something to teach us if we would just let it sit and stay for a while?

The disciples that followed and loved Jesus could not comprehend that the ministry of their Teacher included the darkest day in history, where he was violently beaten and then crucified. They believed he came to save the world, but they were unable to see how the night of his death could be a part of that plan of salvation.

The glory of light is only appreciated after the darkness of night. Even as morning dawned on Resurrection Sunday to find Jesus had conquered the darkness of Good Friday, some of the nighttime remained. His closest friends saw him and touched him, but still did not comprehend his purpose.

Jesus chose not to speed them through their confusion and disappointment just because they were uncomfortable. But when the time was right many weeks later in that upper room in Jerusalem, the first of countless hearts were illuminated by the Holy Spirit who Jesus promised would guide his followers into the truth and reveal God’s mysteries.

We think of night and darkness as sinister and creepy. We fear what can happen in places where we have no idea what is around the next corner or even hiding right beside us. When we find ourselves in those places, we eagerly, sometimes frantically, plead for dawn or strain to see the light at the end of the tunnel so that we can escape.

But darkness existed before light did. Not only that, God chose not to eliminate the darkness altogether when he created the world. All he did was separated it from the light. (Genesis 1:2-5)

Why is that? Could it be that the dark periods in our lives, the times of confusion and disappointment, are just as necessary for our growth and eternal well-being as the times when all is bright? Isn’t it in the darkness that our senses are heightened and more attuned?

Seeing the Unseen

I rise early every morning, around five o’clock most days. I hear Georgia the cat meowing at my door hoping I will play fetch with her. It is dark at that hour no matter the season, but it is my favorite time of day.

Getting out of bed I do not turn on the light. I sit up, feel for my glasses and my phone on the side table. I reach out for my glass of water, hoping not to knock it over. That kind of fumble would force me to switch on the lamp to assess the damage and clean up, effectively ending my husband’s peaceful rest.

My sense of touch, hearing and even sight are leveraged as I strain to see what I cannot see, listen for signs of undisturbed sleep from my husband as I feel my way to the door.

If we are wise, we will similarly engage our spiritual senses during times in our lives when we do not understand what in the world God is doing. Normally, we turn on the light as soon as we can find it. But if we will allow the darkness to stay a while, we might find just what we need, even if it is not what we expect.

God does not promise that we will find the answers we seek while we are enveloped by the night seasons in our lives. We will bump into things and cause spills that need to be sopped up. But he tells us that we can find something much more satisfying. Jeremiah 29:11 is one of the most comforting scriptures in the Bible.

 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

Two verses later in Jeremiah 29:13 we read,

“You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”

If we will pray and seek him In the dark times of our lives, we will not necessarily find straightforward answers, but we will find him. And when we find him, the longing for answers fades as we are enveloped in the light of the presence of him who is the Way, the Truth and the Life.

The Promise of Everlasting Light

That’s what happened to the disciples. As they waited and prayed through their spiritual darkness, they were visited by tongues of fire resting on each of them. (Acts 2:1- 3) The Spirit of Light came to live in and with them, illuminating what was most important, transforming them into light bearers for our spiritually darkened world.

They finally had clarity about what God’s plan was, even if they did not have answers to every question and solutions to every problem.

The Lord did not eliminate all darkness from believers at Pentecost and he leaves us marinating in ours sometimes as well. He finds our uncertainty, and even our suffering, useful for reasons we may never fully understand.

But he promises that one day, when he has completed all he has planned for the earth, he will eradicate the night, and everything will be illuminated. He will be our Light and the only one we need.

And night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever”.

Revelation 22:5

Until that day, there are lessons to be learned as we grope and stumble in the night hours of our pilgrimage on earth.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me, and the light become night around me” – even the darkness is not dark to You, but the night shines like the day, for darkness is as light to You.

Psalm 139:11-12

So, we can walk on, even in the dark night of the soul, seeking to find and to know our loving God more deeply. To him our night is as bright as the day and he will guide us home.

 

3 Crucial Life Lessons from a Father’s Failure

~ Marie Blair ~ 2 Comments

He fell off his seat backward, broke his neck and died. That’s how life ended for Eli, the high priest.

I’ve read the story of Eli, his corrupt sons, the routing of the Israelites by the enemy Philistines and the capturing of the precious Ark of the Covenant many times.

But today when I read it, it made me cry. For Eli.

Even though this God-appointed priest seems to have started out well, Eli’s forty years in that position did not result in the godly legacy that he might have hoped for.

Failed Fatherhood

Eli’s sons were priests like their father. But the Bible calls them sons of Belial – worthless, good-for-nothings.

They did not know the Lord.

They stole from those who came to offer sacrifices.

They defiled the house of God by laying with the women who served there.

It appeared that they did whatever lustful thing they desired, robbing and abusing the people who came to worship and serve.

How did these rebellious sons get away with their debauchery? Sadly, Eli didn’t hinder them. All he did was warn them that their behavior was deadly, saying,

“If one man sins against another, God will mediate for him; but if a man sins against the Lord, who can intercede for him?” (1 Samuel 2:25a).

But those words of warning did nothing to stop them and the Bible tells us why.

“But they would not listen to the voice of their father, for the Lord desired to put them to death.” (1 Samuel 2:25b)

Why did the Lord want to put them to death? It’s likely because Eli and his sons had been dishonoring God and the people for quite some time. Their time to repent was up.

God sent a prophet to rebuke Eli for putting his sons before God and making themselves fat with the choicest of every offering that the people brought to the sanctuary. God tells Eli that his bloodline will be cut off and his legacy ended in disgrace.

A Great Loss

Eli arrived at the end of his long life a weak, overweight, disgraced man. What sent him over the edge to death was the capturing of the Ark of the Covenant.

The enemy Philistines stole the precious presence of God from their midst. There was nothing left. Eli had been caring for the ark for forty years and now it was gone.

Now Eli was ninety-eight years old, and his eyes were set so that he could not see.  The man said to Eli, “I am the one who came from the battle line. Indeed, I escaped from the battle line today.” And he said, “How did things go, my son?” Then the one who brought the news replied, “Israel has fled before the Philistines and there has also been a great slaughter among the people, and your two sons also, Hophni and Phinehas, are dead, and the ark of God has been taken.” When he mentioned the ark of God, Eli fell off the seat backward beside the gate, and his neck was broken and he died, for he was old and heavy. Thus he judged Israel forty years. (1 Samuel 3:15-18)

Eli failed.

He was gluttonous and greedy.

He raised sons who were lustful and treacherous.

He couldn’t protect the ark of God.

Eli lost.

He lost his opportunity to leave a legacy of holiness and fidelity to God.

He lost his sons who the Lord himself killed.

He lost the most precious object on the planet, the ark, the carrier of the presence of God.

He couldn’t control himself.

There are only a couple of times in the Bible that we read that someone is heavy. This is one of them. Eli ate more than the priest’s share of the offerings that the people brought.

He couldn’t control his sons.

Hophni and Phineas were adults, but they were ungodly priests whose behavior should never have been allowed to go on.

I never used to relate to Eli. I saw him as a man who make huge mistakes and paid for it. I saw him as weak but never anything like me. That has changed.

God’s Mercy in Our Weakness

Now that I’m older, and I’ve raised my two sons into adulthood, I see the story somewhat differently. I can relate to Eli’s mistakes.

Maybe I was too hard on my oldest son when he was a teenager.

Maybe I didn’t require enough of my youngest.

There were times when I lacked self-control and raised my voice.

Did I ever place them above the Lord in my heart?

It amazes me that God gives these tiny helpless humans to parents who are so imperfect. In our 20’s and 30’s we haven’t yet learned so many lessons that would make us better parents.

We still tend to be selfish, impatient and lacking compassion. It’s parenting that helps to mature us, but in the process our kids can get hurt.

It’s painful. The past can’t be changed.

I can ask for forgiveness. I can do things differently now. That’s all good. But I can’t alter the consequences that came from my choices.

My hope and peace come from knowing that God loves and forgives and works all things together for good for those who are called and who love him. (Romans 8:28).

I’m grateful for that promise because I need him to work out a lot!

As hard as it is to see my mistakes, it gives me empathy for people like Eli.

The Bible tells us about folks with less than stellar records on purpose.

We relate to their weakness.

We learn to ask for wisdom in our choices, so we avoid the same mistakes.

3 Life Lessons from Eli

  1. Love and honor God above everyone and everything. Eli and his sons put themselves before God.

Therefore the Lord, the God of Israel, declares: ‘I promised that your house and the house of your father should go in and out before me forever,’ but now the Lord declares: ‘Far be it from me, for those who honor me I will honor, and those who despise me shall be lightly esteemed. (1 Samuel 2:30)

And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. (Mark 12:30)

  1. Don’t wait to turn around. Eli and his sons didn’t turn from their sins.

And I declare to him that I am about to punish his house forever, for the iniquity that he knew, because his sons were blaspheming God, and he did not restrain them. (1 Samuel 3:13)

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. (2 Corinthians 7:10)

  1. Develop self-control. Eli and his sons didn’t restrain their lusts.

Why then do you scorn my sacrifices and my offerings that I commanded for my dwelling, and honor your sons above me by fattening yourselves on the choicest parts of every offering of my people Israel?’ (1 Samuel 2:29)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

There is Hope

Eli, Hophni and Phineas came to a terrible end.

Sadly, there are people all around us that go down the same road. We see it in the news and in our own backyard. But it doesn’t have to be that way!

If we will surrender our hearts to the Lord, he will give us the ability to love and honor him first and above all and not make our children into idols, serving them first.

The Holy Spirit will lovingly convict us of our sin so that we can repent and be set free from the burden and shame. One day at a time.

He will give us the fruit of self-control so that we do not fall into temptation.

There is always hope!

God sees, knows and cares. We can find encouragement in the fact that he will never stop working all things out for our good and for his glory.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. – Jeremiah 29:11-12

Our Hope

~ Marie Blair ~ Leave a comment

 

Triumphant King!

To you we sing

Your victory is sure

 

Though pain and loss

For a little while

We must now endure

 

One day soon

As we look up

You’ll come riding in to save

 

And we’ll rise above

As your children who love

That miraculous day of days

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3 Keys to Conquer Rejection

~ Marie Blair ~ Leave a comment

“Then all the disciples forsook him and fled”. Matthew 26:56 ESV

When Jesus was arrested in the Garden of Gethsemane, every one of his disciples abandoned him.

Even after three years of walking the same road, sharing countless meals and hearing life-changing words spoken directly to them.

After Jesus invited them to share in his miracle-working, world-transforming mission.

After he freely offered them hope for each day and eternal life in his kingdom.

After he was patient with their short-comings, ignorance and unbelief.

After they promised never to leave. They all did just that. They ran away to protect themselves, leaving their teacher, friend and savior behind.

But being rejected by his friends at that harrowing moment didn’t deter the Lord one bit.

Jesus Knew What Was Coming and Didn’t Flinch

Jesus wasn’t deterred because he was prepared. We see this in Mark 14:27-31:

And Jesus said to them, “You will all fall away, for it is written, ‘I will strike the shepherd, and the sheep will be scattered.’ 28 But after I am raised up, I will go before you to Galilee.” 29 Peter said to him, “Even though they all fall away, I will not.” 30 And Jesus said to him, “Truly, I tell you, this very night, before the rooster crows twice, you will deny me three times.” 31 But he said emphatically, “If I must die with you, I will not deny you.” And they all said the same. (Mark 14:27-31 ESV)

Their spirits were willing, but their flesh was weak (Matthew 26:41). You know the story. Peter follows Jesus as he is questioned about being a follower. But he emphatically denies even knowing him. He couldn’t even admit his association with Jesus to a lowly servant girl.

We have all denied Jesus in one way or another, and it is painful when we realize what we have done. We choose temporary human acceptance over God’s everlasting acceptance over and over. We are insecure and ashamed.

But let’s not get into that right now. Instead, let’s camp out on what Jesus did when frail humans like us preserved themselves and abandoned him.

Long before he prayed in Gethsemane for the last time, Jesus had prepared himself to be all alone with his pain on the night he was betrayed.

Yes, he chided Peter, James and John for not being able to stay awake and pray with him for a while as he agonized over his upcoming death. But even though he wanted their support as he prayed, he was never dependent on it.

Jesus knew what was in man (John 2:24) and he knew better than to entrust himself to them. He also knew from the beginning who would betray him (John 6:64).

But none of his foreknowledge about Peter or Judas or anyone who turned away from him changed how he lived his life or how he carried out his mission. He wouldn’t let it.

Standing Strong in Spite of Rejection

in John 8:28-29 during a conversation with the Pharisees, we find out how Jesus was able to stay strong during his time of greatest need, despite the massive rejection all the disciples.

28 So, Jesus said to them, “When you have lifted up the Son of Man, then you will know that I am he, and that I do nothing on my own authority, but speak just as the Father taught me. 29 And he who sent me is with me. He has not left me alone, for I always do the things that are pleasing to him.”

We can glean these three nuggets from those two verses:

  • What Jesus came to do was God’s idea, not his own.
  • Jesus carried out his mission just the way he was taught by his Father.
  • Jesus was never alone or abandoned because his Father was always with him.

When we are rejected, abandoned or betrayed by people who are supposed to love us, we can follow the example of Jesus. We can stand secure not letting mistreatment by others get us off track.

If we implement these 3 keys, no one can stop us from being and doing everything God has planned for us.

3 Keys to Conquer Rejection

  1. Remember that God has called you for a unique purpose and mission. (Ephesians 2:10)
  2. Rejoice that he gives you his Word and Spirit to guide you every step of the way. (John 14:26)
  3. Rest assured that your Father will never leave you or forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5-6)

In our darkest hour, we have hope. The coming of a bright dawn is inevitable. It may be dark on Friday, but Sunday’s coming!

4 Things Great Moms Do – Lessons from the Life of Mary

~ Marie Blair ~ Leave a comment

My second child was due on Christmas Eve. It made me feel kind of like Mary, the mother of Jesus.

Knowing how big and uncomfortable I would be during the whole month of December, I had all my Christmas shopping done by Thanksgiving (the first and only time that ever happened!).

After that was out of the way, I had time to ponder what it must have been like for that young girl two thousand years ago. Mary was expecting a child when she wasn’t married.

Scandalous. Miraculous.

Gabriel the archangel announced the coming of her baby, Jesus, and said that Mary was highly favored, blessed, chosen. Different from all the rest.

We only hear a few things about Mary’s life after Jesus was born. But they are enough to give us a glimpse into what kind of mother she became. The unique girl that God chose to be the mother of the Messiah must have some things to teach us about motherhood.

Here are four things that Mary did, and that we can do, to be great moms.

4 Things Great Moms Do

1. Provide a comforting presence in tough times

Your undivided, caring attention is what your children need most when times are tough for them. Put down the phone, stop everything, look into their eyes, give a hug. They need you really present with them, not just in the room.

We know Mary was a comforting presence at the cross when Jesus was dying (John 19:26).

A scene from the movie The Passion of the Christ shows us a couple of things that might also have taken place in Mary’s life as a mom.

In this scene, we watch Jesus carrying the cross down the narrow street in Jerusalem. He was struggling, in agony. Soldiers were trying to move him along with whips and the jeering crowd was yelling insults.

Jesus’ friends had abandoned him, except for a few that looked on sheepishly from a distance. Mary, grief-stricken, stood nearby trying not to watch her son drag himself to an early death.

As he’s straining to take each step, Jesus stumbles under the burden of the heavy cross. In that moment, we see a flashback from Mary’s perspective.

In the memory, Jesus is about two years old. He’s running along a dusty street in Nazareth and suddenly, he stumbles and falls.

A young mother at the time, Mary hurries to his side, like most mothers would. She lifts the crying toddler into her arms and rocks him reassuringly, saying, “I’m here”.

Now it’s Good Friday. Mary watches her grown son stagger and fall to the ground. His body is beaten and battered. He’s exhausted and weak.

Pushing through the chaos of the crowd, Mary rushes to his side, just as she did so many times when he was small. She crouches down next to him to comfort him. Once again, she whispers, “I’m here”.

I could relate to the profound distress Mary would have been feeling. I cried my eyes out the first time I watched that part of the movie! It’s what every loving mother feels when her children are enduring pain.

Even knowing ahead of time that being a mom means experiencing your child’s pain as they do, doesn’t diminish it. Mary was once told clearly and directly that she would suffer along with Jesus.

When she and Joseph took Jesus to the temple to be circumcised at eight days old, a prophet, Simeon had said to her,

“Behold, this Child is appointed for the fall and rise of many in Israel, and for a sign to be opposed – and a sword will pierce even your own soul – to the end that thoughts from many may be revealed”. (Luke 2: 34-35 NASB)

Our first instinct when our children are hurting is to make it all better. However, sometimes we can’t prevent their difficulties, nor should we.

We feel helpless, but it’s through difficulties that our children learn endurance, patience, independence, problem-solving and other valuable character traits that will prepare them for future challenges.

Most importantly, in hard seasons, our kids have the opportunity to trust God for themselves.

Even Jesus, the perfect Son of God, learned obedience through the things that he suffered. (Hebrews 5:8)

Mary wasn’t supposed to prevent her son’s suffering and death on the cross, but she was there with her comforting presence. Maybe even whispering a quiet, “I’m here”. (John 19:25)

Your children need your warm, comforting presence more than anything when they are struggling and challenged.

2. Hope in God, not in outcomes

Optimism is the expectation of positive life circumstances. For instance, an optimistic person expects to avoid things like life-threatening diseases, serious accidents, etc.

None of us wants to suffer and we especially don’t want our children to suffer. However, life is difficult and bad things happen. That’s why we need hope, not just optimism.

Hope is trust in the fact that the love of God holds fast regardless of our tough situations.

God rules the world with benevolence and is watching carefully to work all things together for the good of those who love him and are his. (Romans 8:28)

If we are simply optimistic, challenges can derail us. If we’re truly hopeful in God’s care and concern no matter the situation, nothing can.

Mary was a hopeful, young girl and trusted God when she heard the fantastic messages about Jesus’ future. Gabriel said,

“He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High; and the Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David; and He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and His kingdom will have no end.” (Luke 1:32-33 NASB)

Did Mary expect that Jesus would reign on a physical throne in Jerusalem? Most of his followers did. What a disappointment for those whose optimistic expectations weren’t met.

From what we can tell, Mary, was not angry at God or let down when Jesus didn’t reign on a physical throne in Jerusalem.

From the very beginning, we read that she trusted God for even the most unbelievable thing – that a virgin could bear a child.

It’s evident that she trusted God for the rest of the story as well, even when things seemed bleak. After Jesus died, he rose again and is reigning on a heavenly throne. Her hope in God’s word and his love was rewarded.

We naturally have positive expectations for great futures for our kids – and we should. However, life doesn’t go the way we desire, how will we respond?

If we hope in God’s love and his good plan, we have a rock-solid foundation. Despite any of the challenges that we and our children will face in life – sickness, accidents, relationship trouble – this foundation will never crumble.

3. Listen and learn

Several years ago, when I was going through a particularly tough time, one of my sons sent me a song called, “Believe Me Now” by Steven Curtis Chapman.

It’s a song that reminds us that we can believe God’s promises no matter what. It was exactly the reminder I needed at that moment. It touched my heart deeply and changed my perspective from fear to faith.

Jesus was Mary’s son, but also her Teacher.

Once when Jesus was teaching a large crowd, someone told him that his mother and brothers were outside trying to get in. Instead of bringing them front and center, Jesus said,

“My mother and brothers are these who hear the word of God and do it.” (Luke 8:19-21)

In our culture that sounds harsh but was it? Maybe Mary had begun to understand that Jesus was born for a mission that was far beyond her family.

He was her savior as well as her son. The Bible tells us that she was a believer in Jesus as Messiah with the rest of the disciples. (Acts 1:14)

Even small children can say and do things that teach us important lessons. If we’ll humble ourselves and listen, God can use them to give us encouragement, insight and comfort.

Our children might even grow up to be people who change the world with their unique gifting and calling. We can be the first in line to benefit from all they will offer.

4. Let go a little at a time

The moment your child is born you have to start letting go.

It’s not that obvious during the first few years since our kids are so dependent on us. But once they start to venture out into the world, even if it’s only to preschool, we face a challenge.

We have to trust that they will be all right in the care of others. We have to trust that we have given them the tools to navigate on their own.

One day they are learning how to tie their own shoes. Blink and you’re giving them the car keys. Blink again and they’re moving out!

Each step is a challenge for them and for us.

When the angel Gabriel came to Mary with the baby announcement, she knew Jesus would be like no other child ever conceived. However, she still had to learn day by day that his calling and mission superseded his role as her son.

When Jesus was twelve, he stayed behind by himself in the temple at Jerusalem after the feast. His parents frantically searched for days for him after they realized he was missing from the traveling caravan.

When they found him, he was surprised that they didn’t know where he would be. He had to be in his Father’s house. (Luke 2:41-50) He was on a mission from God.

Mary had to let go.

About ten years later, Jesus told the listening crown that whoever hears his words and does them are his family, not just those he grew up with. (Luke 8:19-21)

Mary had to let go.

On that dark Good Friday, Mary’s first-born was fulfilling the purpose for his life which was announced by Gabriel decades before.

He was dragging his cross up to a lonely hill. He was dying, just as he planned.

Mary had to let go.

Our children are gifts from God, but they don’t really belong to us. They belong to God and he has a reason for their lives above and beyond the blessing they bring to our families.

They have a mission from God.

Mary Mindset

Mary was the most important mother who ever walked the face of the earth. Yet, in many ways, she was a mother just like us. She felt the same love, joy, fears, concerns and helplessness that we all do.

Mary learned to mother well. She’s a strong, loving, faithful example that we can look to for guidance on our own journey of motherhood.

The famous Serenity Prayer fits this “Mary mindset” perfectly.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as he did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that he will make all things right

if I surrender to his will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with him
forever in the next.

-Reinhold Niebuhr

I would love to hear the lessons you’ve learned as a mother. Please comment below.

If this post has been helpful, please share!

Hope for Unhappy Stay at Home Moms

~ Marie Blair ~ Leave a comment

You have the greatest job on earth and you know it.

Most days.

Other days, you’d rather just stay in bed and pull the covers over your head, screaming silently (or aloud!), “Leave me alone!!”

But, of course, you don’t stay in bed. Precious little ones are putting their adorable faces right up to yours and saying, “Mommy, I’m hungry” or your infant is crying.

Commitment and instinct rule the day and you drag yourself into the bathroom to start the all-too-familiar routine over again.

You brush your teeth, throw your hair into a pony tail, wash your face, don some jeans and a t-shirt and wonder when you’ll be able to fit in time for a shower. Taking a long, hot shower has become the extent of luxury in your life.

Before you know it, you’ve put in your first load of laundry, fixed a quick breakfast for the kids and now you’re sweeping Cheerios off the floor.

That’s how you begin another exhausting day of meals, cleaning, wiping rear ends and noses.

There is also another battle going on. The one that can’t be seen.

I chose this life.

I know it’s best.

I love my kids.

But…

I’m bored and frustrated.

I feel undervalued and unappreciated.

I feel guilty for taking it out on my kids.

How dare I be down when I’m so blessed?

I don’t want to give up.

I can’t give up.

But how can I continue when I’m so unhappy?

 

Our Challenge

Some days are easier than others. There are plenty of days when our hearts are full, and all is well. But even then, there can linger an underlying sense that we are missing out on something that a job outside the home would give us.

Many stay-at-home moms feel undervalued and unappreciated by society and maybe even by their family and friends.

Those who had a high-paying, prestigious job before deciding to stay home might miss the daily, positive feedback they received. There are no paychecks, glowing annual reviews, raises or Christmas bonuses for a stay-at-home mom.

For others, the unknown can be just as trying. “What if I had a career instead of this. Maybe I need to get out there and make something more of myself.”

There’s little positive feedback. That’s why leaving the home can be so tempting.

The Hidden Issue

I don’t think our choice of vocation or the lack of positive feedback is the real problem. Even moms that our culture applauds for succeeding as “go-out-and-work” moms can feel inadequate, and many do!

The cause of our discontent is not found in what we’re doing.

It’s found in what we think about ourselves while we’re doing it.

Long before we have children and decide to care for them full time at home, we can have an underlying feeling of not being good enough.

This year I’ve been looking at my childhood as I’m working through some negative self-perceptions that I’ve carried around all my life.

My dad was a fun-loving Irishman with a great sense of humor and he loved his family. However, I’m seeing now that he lacked the good communication and parenting skills that would have made me feel valued and important.

When I was four years old, my dad decided that I would no longer go with my mom when she went shopping. He thought I was getting spoiled.

My mom has a memory of me standing on our porch, crying as she drove away. It must have been hard for her, too. But she didn’t argue with my dad. I remember feeling scared, confused and alone.

If my dad had taken me inside and played a game or read a book with me, it might have lessened the sting of rejection. But he was not that type of dad.

So, I was left standing there on the porch believing I’m spoiled (I’m sure I had no idea what that meant), something is wrong with me and whatever was going on, it was all my fault.

Circumstances like this root deep into the minds of children who naturally lack the maturity to process them in a way that prevents those negative perceptions of themselves. They hear:

“I’m bad.”

“Something is wrong with me.”

“I have to be better so that dad will be happy with me.”

Those are the messages that we take with us as we grow up. We keep trying to prove our worth by performing to win approval. We hope it will make us feel better about ourselves.

We finally realize after wearing ourselves out, that no matter how well we perform, it doesn’t seem to take away the sense that we don’t quite cut it.

The Healing

I recently read a book called The Soul of Shame by Curt Thompson, M.D.  It’s full of insight into the areas of the brain, shame, unworthiness and how to heal.

Dr. Thompson explains how our brains are literally wired when we are children in response to the way we are treated. If we’re not validated by the people closest to us, even before we were born, we internalize shame and lack of self-worth.

The great news is that our brains can be rewired by replacing the negative thinking with the positive. It’s simple, but not necessarily easy and won’t happen overnight. However, it’s worth it!

One of the reasons that I love children is because they are naturally unashamed, full of love and free. I want to be that way, don’t you?

There’s hope! We can restore that childlikeness that makes every day an adventure and turns work into play. It’s never too late.

First, start by replacing the destructive recordings in our mind with these truths:

  • I am specially created by God.
  • I am and always have been worthy of love and appreciation just for being me.
  • I am and have always been more than enough.
  • I am a gift to the world.

Next, consider finding a qualified pastor or therapist to help you work through some of the shame and hurt in your life. It can hide just about anywhere and uncovering it can be the start of a life-changing healing process.

Third, consider getting these books to help you on your journey. They helped me and I know they could help you, too.

The Soul of Shame, Curt Thompson, M.D. Rewrite the story of your life and embrace healing and wholeness as you discover and defeat shame’s insidious agenda.

The Anatomy of the Soul, Curt Thompson, M.D.  An amazing journey to discover the surprising pathways for transformation hidden inside your own mind.

Shame Interrupted, Edward T. Welch, PhD. Look at Jesus through the lens of shame and see how the marginalized and worthless are his favorites and become his people. God cares for the shamed. Through Jesus you are covered, adopted, cleansed, and healed.

Healing the Child Within, Charles L. Whitfield, M.D. Healing the Child Within describes how the inner child is lost to trauma and loss, and how by recovering it, we can heal the fear, confusion and unhappiness of adult life.

A Gift to Myself: A Personal Workbook and Guide to Healing the Child Within, Charles L. Whitfield, M.D. Using numerous experiential exercises that the reader can do at their own pace, physician and author Charles Whitfield takes us on a healing journey into our inner and outer life.

Stay-at-home mom, you truly are doing the most important, valuable, impactful vocation there is on earth, no matter what anyone else says.

I wish you well on your journey, dear one, and I’m rooting for you!

Feel free to contact me directly by clicking the Contact tab or leave a comment below. I’d love to hear your stories.

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