Category: Family

If I Could Have a Stepmom Do-Over

~ Marie Blair ~ 5 Comments

What was I thinking?! Just before my twenty-seventh birthday, I married a man with two kids who were fourteen and eleven at the time. I had no clue what I was getting myself into.

But I guess that’s the same with anything, isn’t it? You don’t know what’s in the package until you open it.

Sadly, their mom had died. They needed me. The wonderful man God brought my way had been struggling to work a full-time job while trying to be both mom and dad to his kids.

It’s a common scenario.

I was sure that this marriage was God’s will. I wanted to help with all my heart. So, I did.

The next five years were difficult, frustrating and disappointing.

My good-intentioned aspiration to fill a gaping hole in their family with love, security, normalcy and support fell flat.

I had longed to make a home where these two children could heal from the devastating loss of their mother.

It never worked. They snubbed my affection. They rejected my input and railed against how I wanted our home to be.

They were angry at their father for diverting attention to me. They were uncooperative and secretive.

I became resentful and frustrated when they rejected me and my efforts.

Within five years, both of the kids had moved out.

The older went out on his own the minute he turned eighteen. The younger moved to her grandparents at sixteen when we couldn’t manage her anymore.

I felt defeated, frustrated, and helpless.

In retrospect, I see what I did wrong that added to the trouble in our relationship. If I knew then what I know now, I would have done things differently.

Four Things I Would Do Differently

1. Avoid a lot of changes

Personal habits

Both my stepkids’ bedrooms looked like a bomb had hit and everything they owned landed on the floor. Clothes, toys, books, you name it.  It was literally a foot deep all over the rooms!

The obviously didn’t know how to keep a clean room, so I was going to help them.

Trying to make them keep their rooms clean was frustrating for all of us and not at all worth it. They didn’t want to change.

I should have just shut the door so I couldn’t see it and saved a lot of aggravation.

Environment

We moved to a new home in a new town with new schools when we got married. It was to reduce my husband’s hour-long commute and to start fresh like many newlyweds do.

Looking back, it would have been better to stay put to minimize the disruption. They had lost their mom.

Uprooting them from home and school contributed to their loss and grief and possibly added to their difficult behavior.

Let the kids keep the same surroundings, schools and friends, if you can. They need continuity to feel safe.

Favorite Foods

My stepkids were used to eating a lot of frozen food, like frozen fried chicken, which I had never seen!

I came from a home with a mom who was a wonderful, Italian cook. So, of course, I wanted to serve them delicious, homemade, healthy foods and that’s what I did.

Never again did would they have frozen fried chicken.

Several years ago, my stepson’s wife told me that he won’t go near chicken and rice or bananas since he had so much of them as a teenager.

That kind of hurt but it also struck me as odd. I didn’t serve chicken and rice that much…and what is wrong with bananas?!

I think his aversion to those foods are more about his aversion to me and the changes I made as a young stepmom coming into his teenage life, than about the food.

If I had it to do over again, I would have continued to serve them what they were used to on occasion, even the dreaded, frozen fried chicken!

Letting them have some of their old favorites would have contributed to their sense of security and normalcy and it wouldn’t have hurt them to eat junk once in a while.

Time with Dad

I remember my husband taking the kids out for “dad time”, but it wasn’t very regular.

In his view, he had spent a lot of time with them after their mom died, and it was time for him to build his relationship with his new wife. We were newlyweds, after all!

I was all for him spending special alone time with them, but after a while, when they rejected me, I stopped trying so hard to encourage it.

I would do things differently now.

Keeping a strong relationship between dad and kids is vital, even if it means you get less time together as a couple.

If they have a good connection with their dad and feel he is giving them some attention, they won’t resent you as much.

2. Don’t take on too much responsibility for their world

I defaulted to the 50/50 parenting partnership model when I got married. It should have been more like 75% on him and 25% on me with my stepkids.

My husband wanted things to be better and he loved my ideas and wanted them implemented. So, that’s what happened! I took on the renovation of the family.

I was all about keeping things clean, so they had their chores. I wanted them to be healthy, so I cut out the junk food. I wanted them to be respectful, so their disrespect never got a pass.

But it would have made for a happier and more peaceful transition if they continued in the way they were running their lives, at least for a while.  Even though some things made me cringe!

Why? It would have been less disruptive for the kids and I would have avoided some of the confusion and hurt I felt when they rejected my efforts.

No matter how much you want to help, take a back seat for a while. You’ll be better off.

3. Let their dad handle most issues

Even though you are now an authority figure in your stepchildren’s lives, don’t advertise it!

I worked part time when we got married, so I was the parent who was home the most. Therefore, I engaged more with the kids on a daily basis than their dad did.

I tried to handle the school issues, completion of homework and chores, and anything else that came up.

Being on the front lines made me the bad guy a lot. I got loud push-back from one of the kids and quiet, seething resentment from the other.

I could have used the 1950’s cliche, “Wait until your father gets home!” Not as a threat, but to save myself from having to manage everything that adolescents have on their plate.

Plus, I would have dodged the rejection that they threw back.

Let dad be the enforcer, they already love him and have a depth of relationship clout that you don’t.

4. Don’t expect them to love, respect or appreciate you

I assumed that if I put my heart and soul into being a wonderful stepmom, I will be loved, respected and appreciated in return. How could they not love me?!

When my stepkids were grown and with kids of their own, I had heart-to-heart talks with each of them about those turbulent first years.

I apologized for the things I did wrong and it seemed like it was all good after that. I hoped that since we talked it out we could be closer going forward.

I pictured texting, phone calls, involvement in their lives.

But that was not to be. They’re just not interested in being close and you know what? That’s okay.

I hope your stepkids love you and appreciate your crazy, hard work trying to be a positive influence in their lives.

But they might not and, sadly, that’s not something you can change very easily, or at all. Especially if you make mistakes like I did.

We do our best with what we have at the moment. When we know better, we do better.

I’m confident that God knows our intentions and still counts our good efforts. The results are up to him!

Hindsight

Hindsight is 20/20!  I was a young woman with the best intentions, and I gave step-parenting my best shot. It didn’t turn out the way I planned, and even though it was disappointing, I’m okay with it now. I learned a lot about kids and life through that experience.

Remember:

  • Relationships are more important than performance.
  • If you build the relationship, the respect and love will come and then they are more likely to cooperate with you when you instruct them.
  • It’s okay to relax your high standards and just enjoy the journey.
  • Every attempt to love, care for, nurture, guide and support your stepkids still counts. No matter the outcome.

Thanks for visiting my blog! Please share and comment. I’d love to hear from other stepparents about your trials and triumphs.

4 Things Great Moms Do – Lessons from the Life of Mary

~ Marie Blair ~ Leave a comment

My second child was due on Christmas Eve. It made me feel kind of like Mary, the mother of Jesus.

Knowing how big and uncomfortable I would be during the whole month of December, I had all my Christmas shopping done by Thanksgiving (the first and only time that ever happened!).

After that was out of the way, I had time to ponder what it must have been like for that young girl two thousand years ago. Mary was expecting a child when she wasn’t married.

Scandalous. Miraculous.

Gabriel the archangel announced the coming of her baby, Jesus, and said that Mary was highly favored, blessed, chosen. Different from all the rest.

We only hear a few things about Mary’s life after Jesus was born. But they are enough to give us a glimpse into what kind of mother she became. The unique girl that God chose to be the mother of the Messiah must have some things to teach us about motherhood.

Here are four things that Mary did, and that we can do, to be great moms.

4 Things Great Moms Do

1. Provide a comforting presence in tough times

Your undivided, caring attention is what your children need most when times are tough for them. Put down the phone, stop everything, look into their eyes, give a hug. They need you really present with them, not just in the room.

We know Mary was a comforting presence at the cross when Jesus was dying (John 19:26).

A scene from the movie The Passion of the Christ shows us a couple of things that might also have taken place in Mary’s life as a mom.

In this scene, we watch Jesus carrying the cross down the narrow street in Jerusalem. He was struggling, in agony. Soldiers were trying to move him along with whips and the jeering crowd was yelling insults.

Jesus’ friends had abandoned him, except for a few that looked on sheepishly from a distance. Mary, grief-stricken, stood nearby trying not to watch her son drag himself to an early death.

As he’s straining to take each step, Jesus stumbles under the burden of the heavy cross. In that moment, we see a flashback from Mary’s perspective.

In the memory, Jesus is about two years old. He’s running along a dusty street in Nazareth and suddenly, he stumbles and falls.

A young mother at the time, Mary hurries to his side, like most mothers would. She lifts the crying toddler into her arms and rocks him reassuringly, saying, “I’m here”.

Now it’s Good Friday. Mary watches her grown son stagger and fall to the ground. His body is beaten and battered. He’s exhausted and weak.

Pushing through the chaos of the crowd, Mary rushes to his side, just as she did so many times when he was small. She crouches down next to him to comfort him. Once again, she whispers, “I’m here”.

I could relate to the profound distress Mary would have been feeling. I cried my eyes out the first time I watched that part of the movie! It’s what every loving mother feels when her children are enduring pain.

Even knowing ahead of time that being a mom means experiencing your child’s pain as they do, doesn’t diminish it. Mary was once told clearly and directly that she would suffer along with Jesus.

When she and Joseph took Jesus to the temple to be circumcised at eight days old, a prophet, Simeon had said to her,

“Behold, this Child is appointed for the fall and rise of many in Israel, and for a sign to be opposed – and a sword will pierce even your own soul – to the end that thoughts from many may be revealed”. (Luke 2: 34-35 NASB)

Our first instinct when our children are hurting is to make it all better. However, sometimes we can’t prevent their difficulties, nor should we.

We feel helpless, but it’s through difficulties that our children learn endurance, patience, independence, problem-solving and other valuable character traits that will prepare them for future challenges.

Most importantly, in hard seasons, our kids have the opportunity to trust God for themselves.

Even Jesus, the perfect Son of God, learned obedience through the things that he suffered. (Hebrews 5:8)

Mary wasn’t supposed to prevent her son’s suffering and death on the cross, but she was there with her comforting presence. Maybe even whispering a quiet, “I’m here”. (John 19:25)

Your children need your warm, comforting presence more than anything when they are struggling and challenged.

2. Hope in God, not in outcomes

Optimism is the expectation of positive life circumstances. For instance, an optimistic person expects to avoid things like life-threatening diseases, serious accidents, etc.

None of us wants to suffer and we especially don’t want our children to suffer. However, life is difficult and bad things happen. That’s why we need hope, not just optimism.

Hope is trust in the fact that the love of God holds fast regardless of our tough situations.

God rules the world with benevolence and is watching carefully to work all things together for the good of those who love him and are his. (Romans 8:28)

If we are simply optimistic, challenges can derail us. If we’re truly hopeful in God’s care and concern no matter the situation, nothing can.

Mary was a hopeful, young girl and trusted God when she heard the fantastic messages about Jesus’ future. Gabriel said,

“He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High; and the Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David; and He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and His kingdom will have no end.” (Luke 1:32-33 NASB)

Did Mary expect that Jesus would reign on a physical throne in Jerusalem? Most of his followers did. What a disappointment for those whose optimistic expectations weren’t met.

From what we can tell, Mary, was not angry at God or let down when Jesus didn’t reign on a physical throne in Jerusalem.

From the very beginning, we read that she trusted God for even the most unbelievable thing – that a virgin could bear a child.

It’s evident that she trusted God for the rest of the story as well, even when things seemed bleak. After Jesus died, he rose again and is reigning on a heavenly throne. Her hope in God’s word and his love was rewarded.

We naturally have positive expectations for great futures for our kids – and we should. However, life doesn’t go the way we desire, how will we respond?

If we hope in God’s love and his good plan, we have a rock-solid foundation. Despite any of the challenges that we and our children will face in life – sickness, accidents, relationship trouble – this foundation will never crumble.

3. Listen and learn

Several years ago, when I was going through a particularly tough time, one of my sons sent me a song called, “Believe Me Now” by Steven Curtis Chapman.

It’s a song that reminds us that we can believe God’s promises no matter what. It was exactly the reminder I needed at that moment. It touched my heart deeply and changed my perspective from fear to faith.

Jesus was Mary’s son, but also her Teacher.

Once when Jesus was teaching a large crowd, someone told him that his mother and brothers were outside trying to get in. Instead of bringing them front and center, Jesus said,

“My mother and brothers are these who hear the word of God and do it.” (Luke 8:19-21)

In our culture that sounds harsh but was it? Maybe Mary had begun to understand that Jesus was born for a mission that was far beyond her family.

He was her savior as well as her son. The Bible tells us that she was a believer in Jesus as Messiah with the rest of the disciples. (Acts 1:14)

Even small children can say and do things that teach us important lessons. If we’ll humble ourselves and listen, God can use them to give us encouragement, insight and comfort.

Our children might even grow up to be people who change the world with their unique gifting and calling. We can be the first in line to benefit from all they will offer.

4. Let go a little at a time

The moment your child is born you have to start letting go.

It’s not that obvious during the first few years since our kids are so dependent on us. But once they start to venture out into the world, even if it’s only to preschool, we face a challenge.

We have to trust that they will be all right in the care of others. We have to trust that we have given them the tools to navigate on their own.

One day they are learning how to tie their own shoes. Blink and you’re giving them the car keys. Blink again and they’re moving out!

Each step is a challenge for them and for us.

When the angel Gabriel came to Mary with the baby announcement, she knew Jesus would be like no other child ever conceived. However, she still had to learn day by day that his calling and mission superseded his role as her son.

When Jesus was twelve, he stayed behind by himself in the temple at Jerusalem after the feast. His parents frantically searched for days for him after they realized he was missing from the traveling caravan.

When they found him, he was surprised that they didn’t know where he would be. He had to be in his Father’s house. (Luke 2:41-50) He was on a mission from God.

Mary had to let go.

About ten years later, Jesus told the listening crown that whoever hears his words and does them are his family, not just those he grew up with. (Luke 8:19-21)

Mary had to let go.

On that dark Good Friday, Mary’s first-born was fulfilling the purpose for his life which was announced by Gabriel decades before.

He was dragging his cross up to a lonely hill. He was dying, just as he planned.

Mary had to let go.

Our children are gifts from God, but they don’t really belong to us. They belong to God and he has a reason for their lives above and beyond the blessing they bring to our families.

They have a mission from God.

Mary Mindset

Mary was the most important mother who ever walked the face of the earth. Yet, in many ways, she was a mother just like us. She felt the same love, joy, fears, concerns and helplessness that we all do.

Mary learned to mother well. She’s a strong, loving, faithful example that we can look to for guidance on our own journey of motherhood.

The famous Serenity Prayer fits this “Mary mindset” perfectly.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as he did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that he will make all things right

if I surrender to his will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with him
forever in the next.

-Reinhold Niebuhr

I would love to hear the lessons you’ve learned as a mother. Please comment below.

If this post has been helpful, please share!

20 Fun and Meaningful Christmas Traditions

~ Marie Blair ~ 1 Comment

One of the best things about the Christmas season is the memorable things we do year after year. Our Christmas traditions.

Large and expensive or small and free, it doesn’t matter. They are meaningful because they’re shared with those we love.

We count on our Christmas family traditions to bring us together with those who mean the most to us.

When my first son was small, we started the tradition of fixing hot cocoa, bundling up and driving around looking at the Christmas lights and decorations in our city.

I can still see the little redhead in his car seat in the back, pointing in awe while taking an occasional sip of his lukewarm cocoa from his sippy cup.

When our second son arrived, he joined in. His first word was “light”, which came out more like “ight” and he, too, marveled at the “ights” at Christmas.

Truth be told, a couple of decades later, we’re still doing the drive. I make the cocoa or we go to the local coffee shop and get it. Either way, it’s a tradition. We’re just waiting for the next generation to join in.

Because I love Christmas family traditions, I thought I’d offer a few ideas in case you’d like to start some of your own or add some more to your list!

20 Fun and Meaningful Christmas Traditions

20 Christmas Traditions

#1- Cut your own Christmas tree and then go to a great family restaurant

When I was a kid, we lived not far from hundreds of tree farms. After we’d choose our tree, we’d eat dinner at a restaurant called Negri’s. It’s an old school Italian restaurant which has been in operation since 1943.

What wow’d me as a child was that they serve 1/2 ducks. Plus you also got minestrone, a mixed green salad, antipasto, ravioli, salami and French bread. My Italian genes (20% according to Ancestry) were in heaven!

The warm memory of those incredible meals after choosing the perfect tree is one of my best childhood memories.

#2 – DIY Christmas decorations party

Invite the neighbors and have a DIY decorations party. Even the littlest ones can join in with a little preparation!

Check out this fun felt wall hanging Christmas tree with ornaments and gifts that the children stick on themselves! So adorable! You can get a closer look here.

Felt Christmas Tree with 30 Ornaments $15.99

#3 – Hang lights in each child’s bedroom

Kids love having their own rooms decorated for the season.

Aren’t these star curtain lights fun?! Accent lights add a warm ambience to any room and they’re so much easier than hanging outdoor lights if you just want that festive feeling!

Plus, they are perfect to keep up all year! Check them out here.

Twinkle Star 12 Stars 138 LED Curtain String Lights, Window Curtain Lights with 8 Flashing Modes Decoration Christmas, Wedding, Party, Home, Patio Lawn, Warm White
Twinkle Star Window Curtain Lights $22.99

#4 – Cuddle up for a Christmas movie night with popcorn (to string or eat!)

Before you could buy movies for home use, we’d have to wait all year to watch our favorite Christmas movies. Hard to believe!

Now they’re just a click away on Amazon Prime Video.  Here are my favorites (click to download):

Elf

The Santa Claus 

The Polar Express

A Charlie Brown Christmas

And of course, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.

Be the first to get the new “Illumination Presents: Dr. Seuss’ The Grinch” by PREORDERING!

Click here for details.

Illumination Presents: Dr. Seuss' The Grinch
Illumination Presents: Dr. Seuss’ The Grinch DVD $19.99

#5 – Wrap gifts together add one thing you appreciate about the recipient on the tag

We normally wrap a gift and write the simple “To” and “From” tag without much thought. How about adding one thing you appreciate about the recipient?

#6 – Christmas light display drive – with hot chocolate in hand

This is one of my favorite traditions that never expires! My 22 year old still comes with us after doing it for his whole life!

Get your hot chocolate and find the most beautiful displays in your neighborhood.

Here’s a great homemade hot chocolate recipe from Martha Stewart. It’s yummy!

#7 – Go to the movie theater as a family (the best movies come out this time of year)

Some of the very best family movies are released at the holidays. Gather the clan and enjoy the show!

#8 – Watch a live production of The Nutcracker ballet and have tea after

There’s nothing like a live performance of any play, opera or ballet! The Nutcracker is blessed with an incomparable musical score as well. Take the kids and then go have a spot of tea afterwards!

#9 – Ice skate outdoors in the big city nearest you

It doesn’t really get icy in San Francisco, the largest city near us, but every year they form an ice rink downtown for skating. You can skate in relatively warm weather (in the 50’s) around here!

There’s something about going into the city at the holidays with the big department stores all decked out that makes for a memorable experience! Even if you don’t skate, it’s a worthwhile outing.

#10 – Join the local church for Christmas caroling or have your own sing-along

It’s so much fun surprising your neighbors with Christmas carols wafting down the street. This time of year most folks will answer their doors. I’ve even been invited inside! Lots of fun for the whole family.

 

The holidays can be stressful along with all the fun!

Check out this post:

5 Simple Steps to Cutting Your Holiday Stress

 

#11 – Volunteer at a toy drive distribution or wrapping

When the fire department holds toy drives, they often need help wrapping the gifts.  Why not join in? This is an easy activity and it connects us to our community.

#12 – Serve meals at the local homeless shelter

Serving food to those who have less than we do is wonderful to do with the older children in your house. It will teach them service and gratitude.

There is nothing like getting a little more persona with those that we sometimes just pass by on the street corner.

#13 – Read A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens

A Christmas Carol is the quintessential, classic Christmas story that everyone should read (besides seeing the movie)!

It gives us the lessons of appreciating what we have, those who love us and teaches us about the blessings of generosity.

This edition of A Christmas Carol is just released and includes holiday recipes from some favorite chefs:

Giada de Laurentiis, Ina Garten, Martha Stewart, and Trisha Yearwood!

Click here to get a closer look.

Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol: A Book-to-Table Classic (Puffin Plated)
Charles Dickens’s A Christmas Carol: A Book-to-Table Classic Hardcover $16.09

#14 – Read the Christmas story together on Christmas eve

Here’s a favorite Usborne Nativity Flap Book to give kids 3+ an introduction to the Nativity, the birth of Christ.

Click Here to see this title.

See many more books in for every age and interest at my bookshop: www.blaircottagebooks.com.

Picture of Nativity Flap Book

#15 – Go to the grocery store together, choose non-perishable foods and drop them off at your local food bank

Children love to make their own choices and what better than to have them choose food to give to others this year?

Even a three-year-old can choose food for those in need. Buy canned goods, rice, beans and other staples.

#16 – Camp out under the Christmas tree

Since camping is out of the question during the winter months, why not haul out the sleeping bags and camp out under the Christmas tree one night?

The twinkling lights will act like night lights to make it feel safe. If the younger ones get scared, they can always crawl into their cozy beds.

#17- Set up a nativity scene and talk about each piece

Purchase a nativity set with the stable, Mary, Joseph, baby Jesus, the animals and shepherds.

Set up the scene and discuss the significance of each piece for a lesson in the true meaning of Christmas. This set I found is one of the loveliest I’ve seen.

It will be treasured for years to come with its 16 detailed figures and stable and even the gold, frankincense and myrrh!

Click here for details.

Deluxe Edition 16 Piece 10 Inch Christmas Nativity Set with Real Frankincense Gold and Myrrh.

#18 – Take a photo with Santa – with the entire family

Why should the kids get all the fun? As long as you’re all waiting in that long line, you might as well get in the picture.

Besides, it’s one way to be sure you get your yearly family portrait!

#19 – Listen to a live performance of Handel’s Messiah

Anyone who has been to hear Handel’s Messiah will attest to the heavenly experience it is.

A bit long for younger children (under eight), but it is a unique opportunity for older children to hear classical music at its finest with the spirit of Advent theme.

Local choirs usually put on a performance during December.

#20 – Attend a Christmas Eve or other service at a different place of worship than your own

I have clear memories of our midnight mass on Christmas eve at our Catholic church in the neighborhood where I grew up.

It was the only time I ever stayed up that late! Which meant it was a special occasion, for sure.

There was a hush over the congregation as the priest read the gospel story of Jesus’ birth.

We now attend a church that is much different, but occasionally I like to visit somewhere different and be reminded that there are many ways to worship.

Whatever your Christmas traditions, may they bring your family closer together, give them a sense of community and teach them more about their faith.

Please share this post if it’s been helpful to you!  

I’d love to hear about your own family traditions in the comments below!